Blog Entry: The Scary Stuff
Here's the weird truth about fulfilling my dream for the past 25 years and selling my first books - oh, and finishing the trilogy, too, and being about to see the first book come out in bookstores where I live. (97 more days till the UK pub date, according to my daily Waterstones.com update!)
Last week I went into my local Waterstones (and no, I haven't yet gotten up the courage to introduce myself to the manager as a local author) and looked at the space on the shelf where my book will be. It's a good space. It'll be eye-catching. It's what I always dreamed of.
I felt sick to my stomach with panic.
I finished the first draft of Kat3 in early February. I planned to start revising it in March. I didn't, because sitting down to revise it made it feel much, much too real that I was turning in the final book in my trilogy.
I started writing another book, my dragon novel, which made me laugh and feel giddy with happiness every time I thought about it. I wrote the first 11,000 words. Then someone asked me a fair, well-meaning question about whether one particular aspect of the novel was going to be commercially sensible at this point in my career...
...and I stopped. I haven't written a word of it for about a month now. Because right now, as I wait for my first book to come out, to find out whether anyone will buy it, whether anyone will love it the way I love it, whether my publishers will be thrilled or horrified to have paid me for it?
I am TERRIFIED about the concept of what is commercial and what isn't. And every time over the past month that I even thought about going back to the dragon novel, which had been making me so happy before, all I could feel was sick panic about my career as an author...which is distinctly different from my work as a writer.
I feel weird and insecure about posting this entry, because I feel like I should be staying positive and upbeat on my blog, as a general rule. But I read a wonderful entry a few days ago by one of my favorite authors in the world, talking about her own insecurity issues, and it made me feel like a ray of light was shining down into the dark, panicky corners of my own brain...so I decided I should go ahead and post about the scary stuff, too.
I just got my first two crits for Kat3, and they were both incredibly useful AND incredibly positive and enthusiastic, which was a huge relief. Patrick's reading it for critique right now. As soon as his crit is ready, I'm going to sit down and force myself to dive into the revision, even though that means admitting that yes, for better AND worse, I really am almost finished with this series I have loved so much.
In the meantime, my goal this week is to brainstorm and make a collage for my dragon novel, diving back into everything I loved about it and focusing on those aspects and those alone to figure out how I can have the most fun possible with this novel. After it's finished, I can let myself (or better yet my agent! hi, Barry! :) ) worry about whether it's commercial or not. Right now, that kind of speculation is the kiss of death for my creativity, and I can't let it take charge.
Whew.
Hitting the "post" button now, before I can give in to insecurity one more time and press "delete".
What are your goals this week? Or: what are you scared about?